Amanda Stanhope and Jen Green on coercive control, recovery, consent and the realities of rebuilding after abuse.

Words: Linda Coogan Byrne

Amanda Stanhope thought she might have Alzheimer’s. Jenn Green (also known as Jenn Wilenta) thought she was losing time. Neither woman initially suspected the men closest to them.

That was one of the many striking moments from a recent episode of We Don’t Talk About That Podcast, where both women spoke candidly about abuse, coercive control, recovery and the long process of rebuilding a life afterwards.

Although their experiences unfolded in different countries and under very different circumstances, there were clear threads connecting their stories. Both described years of confusion, self-doubt and attempts to rationalise situations that made little sense at the time.

They spoke about the challenge of recognising abuse while living through it. And these brave women have since channelled their experiences into advocacy and public education.

Stanhope, who now co-leads the End I Check campaign alongside fellow survivor Zoe Dronfield, spent years searching for answers as her health deteriorated. During the podcast she described waking with unexplained bruises, missing memories and a growing fear that something was seriously wrong.

She underwent neurological testing and attended appointment after appointment looking for answers. At one stage she believed she might have Alzheimer’s. Looking back now, one detail stands out. The person accompanying her to many of those appointments was also the person responsible for the abuse she was experiencing.

What emerged from Stanhope’s account was a powerful insight into the reality of coercive control and the difficulty many women face in identifying it. Public understanding of abuse is still heavily shaped by visible violence, yet psychological abuse often operates in far more subtle ways.

Stanhope spoke openly about trauma bonding, manipulation and the confusion that comes from trying to reconcile harmful behaviour with someone who also appears caring, attentive and supportive.

“There was constant cognitive dissonance,” she explained. “I couldn’t work out if he was abusing me or not.”

Green’s story followed a different path. Married with two children, she described an increasing sense that something in her life was not right, although she struggled to articulate exactly what that feeling was.

“I feel like I’m losing time,” she remembered telling friends.

The answer arrived in 2015 when she opened her husband’s laptop and discovered videos showing herself unconscious while being assaulted. The discovery changed the course of her life and forced her to confront a reality she had never imagined possible.

One of the most thought-provoking parts of the conversation centred on the question survivors continue to face: why didn’t you leave? Both women challenged the assumptions behind that question. Stanhope spoke about the cycle of love bombing, dependency and manipulation that kept her trapped for years.

Green approached the issue from a wider cultural perspective, arguing that many of our ideas about relationships, power and consent begin long before adulthood. At one point the discussion turned to storytelling and the messages embedded within childhood narratives.

Referencing Sleeping Beauty, Green observed that generations have grown up consuming stories that shape expectations about women, men and agency in ways we rarely stop to examine.

The discussion also explored recovery. Stanhope spoke about therapy, nature, cold water swimming and somatic healing. Green described how movement became central to her recovery, leading her to begin dancing alone in her kitchen each day.

That practice would eventually evolve into Tiny Kitchen Dances and later the documentary Tiny Movements. While their paths have been different, both women spoke about healing as an ongoing process rather than a destination.

What stayed with me after the recording ended was not simply the scale of what these women had survived, but the work they continue to do afterwards. Through End I Check, Stanhope is campaigning for greater awareness and stronger protections for women. Through her work as an educator, speaker and artist, Green continues to explore recovery, resilience and the role creativity can play in healing trauma.

Neither woman claims to have all the answers. What they offer instead is honesty, experience and a willingness to have conversations many people would prefer to avoid.

The full episode of We Don’t Talk About That Podcast explores these themes in far greater depth, from coercive control and trauma bonding to storytelling, consent, recovery and the different ways survivors rebuild their lives. You can listen to the complete conversation below.